and I havent just got up. see, my mind truly springs to life at these late times of the day. for some reason, inactivity becomes a rare philosophy in the brain of one. I have no reason as to why I find it difficult to shut off when I wish to sleep. I've got things in my mind that really shouldnt be there from dark times, but they're not always foremost. its menial things that fill my mind. simple things such as what if i'd have done this earlier and not that. what if i'd seen someone or gone here today. what if something completely random happened.
I'm trying to figure out if this is some strange ocd thing. its most commonly associated of course with cleaning. perhaps its a subconcious thing. perhaps, its the entrance of a dream.
ah yes... dreams. what are these truly remarkable things that can be so vague, so vivid, so inspiring and so depressing and frightful that haunt/delight us when we are asleep? i'm thinking theres a link between thinking a lot before sleeping and vivid dreams. mainly because i have vivid dreams quite often. do they symbolise things? possibly. i've often wondered if my life was meant for greater things, but i never seem motivated or imspired to find out. glimpses yes... but if theres one thing i fear, its reaching my potential and being disappointed.
think about it. something you love doing, but you're never going to be good at it. I've never been someone to be great at any one thing. just decent at many. I get bored easily, and want to move on. i'm always intrigued by new things, not for a fashion or fad thing, sometimes things fly by me and i'm uninterested. but sometimes things come along that actually do inspire me to try. a little.
i'm intrigued by allsorts. I suppose photographing makes you observant and occasionally gives you insight into something that other people may not get. of course... photography is another of those things. I'd love to do it as a career.... but not through lack of trying, I just havent found anything to do with it. and I must be honest its depressed me. I've had mixed results with the subject. I've been part of an exhibition with two artists and it was a very proud moment... but as much as I loved having people come up to me and express opinions or ask for what made me click the shutter, I dont seem able to do it all the time. I always have ideas, just a lack of motivation. no, thats the wrong word and i'd be lying to myself. its a lack of effort.
I remember when i was about 6, before junior school. we had a little test and I finished everything before anyone else and didnt have any question wrong. gold star. chest. did well. that one moment, one little moment from more than 20 years ago is where I see my problems. I know I can do well. I know i'm more than able of doing whatever I put my mind too. But if I know I can... why prove it? I dont garner enjoyment from praise, and therefore feel no need do things for others in that sense. I enjoy making people happy, for instance I'm asked to take photos for someone and it beings them happiness, then that I do enjoy. but I dont need it. some artists crave it, and that is what drives them into more challanges and ideas.
"you need a great big kick up the arse". its a common sentance used when people are lazy. we're not all lazy, we're simply aware that we're more than able but need not for your enjoyment... but for our own. maybe I'm easily pleased. seems that way with some of my previous relationships. but thats not for here, its what I can do, if anything to sort this problem out. I feel that we need to not just pat people on the back, but be thoughtful about something someone has produced and perhaps give them a different way of doing things. we're humans, we think and talk. two things that sets us apart from other beings. we should think more, conceptualise for a swanky word, and then be oral about this. many people are afraid of sharing an opinion on someones thoughts or creations because they wish not to offend the person.
this person, if a true creative being, should enjoy this more than someone saying "ooooh" and "aaahhhh". "what if you tried this or used this?" doesnt that sound better? inspiring others to think instead of pleasing them? perhaps when I've shown people my work, I dont want people to tell me how much they like it, I want to know what THEY may have done, what they didnt like and what they'd change. I want constructive criticism.
see, none of this has been planned, its all from just thinking for 15 minutes before I do try and sleep. I love writing my thoughts down, even if no-one reads them, sometimes the black and white of text can justify your thoughts or debase them. I enjoy this. being able to translate thought into type, it makes me able to see what I've thought about and perhaps shed light on myself. you know how people never get to truly know you? I feel like that. but with myself. I've never truly fit in anywhere, and is perhaps why I enjoy my own company. however I'm unsure I really fit in with myself.
where now I dont know. I'm off to bed, and I never know where thats going to take me.
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